TPC Contestants Fail Drug Test, Two Seek Counseling

NGAWire® | 11Sep06
Jeff Longeway, staff writter

It has been reported from an anonymous source that two contestants, including a past champion, have failed the first ever drug testing imposed by the NGA. It is said that one failed for a diluted urine sample and the other was positive for HGH.

The first contestant is believed to be Eric Fournier. The long time contestant has come under scrutiny in recent months for his boisterous behavior towards his playing partners on the course for repeatedly yelling “I’m Eric Fournier, take me to my ball!” When questioned by the NGA Eric stated “I have no idea how this could have happen. I only had 14 Bud Light’s yesterday.”

The 2nd player under investigation is the defending champion Steve Lawler. He has been accused of a more serious offense of using steroids (HGH). Steve claims that they were prescribed under the guidance of a doctor to help him achieve a normal height. “I have been taking injections and applying this cream to my head since I was 14. Without it, I would still have my hair, but I would only be 4′ 8” tall.” When an anonymous contestant was informed of this infraction, he was quoted as saying “that explains how that little bastard hits the ball so far.”

Both players have filed a grievance with the NGA to have their sample “B” tested. They will remain eligible for this year’s event since this testing will not be completed in time.

NOTE – Kurt Goetzke and Jeff Longeway have been told they must attend a mandatory counseling session at this year’s event to maintain eligibility. It has been revealed that both players’ samples showed high levels of cholesterol and evidence of frequent and high volumes of alcohol consumption. The mandatory session titled ‘Healthy Living for the Middle Age Man’ is being held at the Manistee McDonalds starting at 3:30pm on Saturday (Sept 17). Upon finding out about the meeting time, Goetzke was overheard yelling “F that!! F the NGA!! The Michigan game is on.”